I have not posted in a very very long time, no that I have very many readers. I mainly just write on here as a cathartic way to relieve negative feelings. This time is no different.

A lot has happened the last 6 months. I'm not going into all the details now, although I should at some point as they all lead up to now. You see I did something for the first time....I fully communicated to someone, and did so in a good way. I encouraged them and lifted them up, but told them things I was thinking about, feeling, and even some personal history to help them understand why I do the things I do and in some ways the way I am. It has basically ruined a lot of the friendship, I mean we needed a bit of a break anyway, but it's definitely put huge distance between us. But I loved that person, was in love with that person, probably if I could get past the hurt and pain and anger I have now that is a result of the behavior that has come from this individual, the rejecting, ignoring, doing all the things to push the buttons they know will hurt, refusing to speak with me regarding what I told them, and generally just changing everything that was our routine, what we did on a normal basis....I'm just so so hurt. I've never cried so much, never been so angry, having thoughts of bad things happening to this person, that's not me, I don't ever usually go that far.

I know I'm promised that this will pass, this will end, but right now it just feels like the worst possible break-up in the world or something, there's no amount of chocolate, crying, movies, wine that could make this better, cause I've tried it. Even tried flirting with others as distraction. And part of the issue is I'm pretty lonely. I'm left up here in this awful apartment complex alone, rejected, no friends near, I'm so lonely, so loathing of my place and situation in life. Despairing....

"Everyone gets old. Not everyone grows up"

This is the tagline from a movie I saw tonight, "Young Adult". It's sad, intense and shows a scared very confused and unhappy girl who is recently divorced and writes a young adult high school series that is dying in popularity has ended it's time. She gets an email with a baby announcement from an old flame and decides that she will go back to her small hometown and persuade this married new father that they are meant for each other. On the way she meets an old reject that she being a past "prom queen" used to make fun of in a bar. She finds solace in him over the next few days as events keep building up to her making a fool of herself in front of her old flame, his wife and mainly the whole town at a baby naming ceremony where she proclaims that she and him and this old flame were always meant to be together. At the end she sleeps with the nerdy reject and the next morning wakes up and you expect that she's got a clean slate she's ready to learn from what she's done and what's happened but talking to the "rejects" sister only brings her to the conclusion that she was on the right path all along she just needs to totally blow off the town and get back to the big city and start from scratch with new and bigger and better things from there. The movie ends on that note.

Now with this all said and summed up, this is a very sad ending. One with no closure for this girl. But my whole point with this is, this movie hit home a lot tonight. I saw myself in this girls crazy, erratic behavior with men and relationships, her sad, sorely mistaken thinking on people. It hurt so bad how much I could feel the similarity that I about started balling during the movie right next to the boys I was watching it with. I have been there where I was so thinking I was ready to take a new step and go on with life and just pushing on, pushing on and controlling my every move just like her....but basically I was just driving myself, am driving myself to the ground, just like her.

I'm struggling. I'm so determined that the only way it's going to work is if I'm in control. Nothing will work out the way it's supposed to unless I control every situation and detail. It's exhausting. Tonight, after having talked to my brother and his girlfriend today, and another friend...I had a thought. It's not just the changing, it's the changing to what you know is the right way to go, without knowing the outcome, jump into helpless oblivion and trust in the outcome, and of coarse that brought me to God. I would have to do that, to jump into my unknown beyond my comfort zone of control, before I know the outcome.

Sounds easy, sounds cliche...but seriously it scares the hell out of me...and despite what many would say, I wouldn't be surprised if there weren't others who would be with me in this thinking.

So with all this said, tonight I'm praying for several things, but especially for peace with this concept. Peace in jumping into helpless, uncontrolled oblivion....and not knowing what my future holds and what's going to happen...

So random...

I've been thinking more and more...I think I'm going to have a baby, maybe on my own. I mean yes after a few years here, but soon. Just thinking a lot about it here lately...

Story of my life....