Feelin' like i'm failing...

Well I am failing...and I'm feeling like a failure. I'm having so so much trouble in my classes and I'm feeling depressed and just pouty and sad about everything, and pressure from my mother again who I honestly just want to punch in the face b/c she's so discouraging...sheesh

And then my men, my boys, especially Ryan that I need are moody and not helping me feel better....

Just pretty down right now :(

Missin' my Ry-Ry already. It will be a long weekend...

"We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we're curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths." -Walt Disney

So a moment of just talking for a sec...

I'm getting that all too familiar feeling again that I'm chasing, and not the one being chased anymore, that things just aren't right...

It's not a good feeling and I'm in no way ready to deal with it again, as I spent two years doing it before. I'm not bitter, just...I like for people to be honest with me, upfront, because Lord knows I can come up with the worst scenarios and ideas of what's wrong with things in my head, and I can deal with the truth by making a plan, or letting things come to a close....I'm rambling, but anyway. I just don't want to go back to following, chasing, wishing, hoping, and praying for something that has no chance, because there's too much going on in life....

With that said...

Test today was not too awful, and I hope that my gut feeling is correct that I did ok. I'm excited about clinicals this week because if I read it correctly, I think I'll be going to a flu clinic Thursday to give flu shots all day. I'm pretty excited about it as I couldn't possibly miss a moment to give someone a shot, lol...just kidding, but really I love getting to practice my skills as doing helps the learning. 

With that said, made the Chicken Pot pie and Apple cheesecake recipes, both which were very good. I'm thinking about making this tomorrow:

Mexican Pizza

Ingredients:
1/2 lb ground beef
taco seasoning
1/4 cup water
4 flour tortillas (10 inch)
cooking spray
2 tbsp chopped green onions
1/2 can (8 ounces) refried beans
1 cup diced tomatoes
1/2 cup taco sauce
1 cup shredded cheese
sliced black olives, optional

Directions:

Heat a large skillet over medium heat and cook the ground beef until brown, drain. Return to the heat and add the onion & pepper, taco seasoning and water. Continue to cook for several minutes, until cooked through, stirring often.

Spray both sides of each tortilla with cooking spray and place directly on the middle rack of your oven. Bake for about 6 minutes, turning halfway through, until golden brown and crispy. Watch carefully so they do not burn. Remove to a baking sheet.

Microwave the refried beans for 30-60 seconds, or until spreadable.

Lay 2 tortillas out on a baking sheet; top each with a spoonful of the beans, ground beef, and 1/4 cup cheese. Top with another tortilla and lightly press down.

Top the second tortillas each with 1/4 cup taco sauce. Layer with diced tomatoes, cheese, green onions and a few black olives.

Bake for 5-10 minutes or until cheese is melted. Cut into wedges and top with sour cream and/or salsa if desired. 

Derived from: http://www.deliciousmeliscious.com/2009/07/mexican-pizza.html

"I am waiting for my case to come up and I am waiting for a rebirth of wonder..." -Lawrence Ferlinghetti

My weekends are running away from me. They are way too short! Have another test tomorrow in OB. Gotta study more for it here in a bit, but got up and wanted to exercise with a vengeance! I'm so glad I did, it felt so good, and my body always feels so good after I do it too. Now to get a shower and clean up and study before I start dinner, but I thought I would post two of the recipes I'm trying out today. Ryan and his friend are coming over to eat most likely so I'm making a double recipe of the first one:

Chicken Potpie 

2 c low sodium chicken stock
1 c whole milk
2 Tbs butter
2 onions, finely chopped
2 carrots, diced
3 celery stalks, diced
3 cloves garlic, minced
Salt and Pepper
1 c frozen peas
1 c frozen corn kernels
2 c cooked chicken, cut into small chunks
¼ c plus 1 Tbs all-purpose flour
Fresh thyme leaves
Single crust pastry dough
1 egg


Pour the chicken stock and milk into a saucepan. Simmer over medium-low heat. Cover and keep warm.

Melt butter in a dutch oven over medium-high heat. Add onions, carrots, celery, and garlic and sauté until vegetables are soft. Season with salt and pepper. Add the peas and corn and cook another 2 minutes. Stir in the chicken.

Sprinkle the flour over the chicken mixture and stir until combined. Pour in the chicken stock mixture and keep stirring until the flour has dissolved. Place the mixture into a 2 quart casserole or individual casseroles. Sprinkle thyme leaves over the top. Roll out pastry dough and cover the casserole dish(es). Crimp to seal the edges.

Beat the egg with a little bit of water in a small bowl. Brush the egg wash over the pastry dough. Bake in a 375 degree oven for about 20 minutes, or until crust is golden brown. Garnish with some thyme sprigs. Let cool for 15 minutes before serving. 

Copied from: http://kokocooks.blogspot.com/

Instead of making one big dish I'm thinking about making individual ramekins of pot pie, doesn't that sound like fun! Then for dessert...

Caramel Apple Cheesecake Bars

Ingredients:
 2 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 cup firmly packed brown sugar
1 cup (2 sticks) butter, softened
2 (8-ounce) packages cream cheese, softened
1/2 cup sugar, plus 2 tablespoons, divided
2 large eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
3 Granny Smith apples, peeled, cored and finely chopped
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg

Streusel topping, recipe follows

1/2 cup caramel topping

Directions:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
 
In a medium bowl, combine flour and brown sugar. Cut in butter with a pastry blender until mixture is crumbly. Press evenly into a 13 by 9 by 2-inch baking pan lined with heavy-duty aluminum foil. Bake 15 minutes or until lightly browned.

In a large bowl, beat cream cheese with 1/2 cup sugar in an electric mixer at medium speed until smooth. Then add eggs, 1 at a time, and vanilla. Stir to combine. Pour over warm crust.

In a small bowl, stir together chopped apples, remaining 2 tablespoons sugar, cinnamon, and nutmeg. Spoon evenly over cream cheese mixture. Sprinkle evenly with Streusel topping. Bake 30 minutes, or until filling is set. Drizzle with caramel topping.

Streusel Topping:
1 cup firmly packed brown sugar
1 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 cup quick cooking oats
1/2 cup (1 stick) butter, softened

In a small bowl, combine all ingredients.

Yield: approximately 3 cups  

 Derived from: http://www.deliciousmeliscious.com/

So so excited! More later! I'll tell you how it all went...

"...the dog days are over..." "Dog Days Are Over" -Florence and the Machine

OH MY GOSH!!!! My Impatience is about to eat me up! Geez oh peet!

"What do you do with the left over you and how do you know when its time to let go where does the good go" "Where Does the Good Go" -Tegan and Sara

Sometimes it's so hard to know when you've gone too far, or to know when to hold back. I find that it doesn't matter what I do sometimes, I will take something too far, get too emotional, or put too much in before I've taken a moment to be patient, pull the reigns in, and chill. It comes with being eager, it's not done (at least in my situations) because I'm anxious, or intense, it comes from being assured of what I know I feel about something or want to do and excitement. Anyway....it's just hard to know when to slow down, to chill. And then when you do realize it's that time, to just...wait. To not think about it, or let it eat at you because you're fretting over it, worrying you've already gone too far or made it worse. Waiting for an answer or outcome...it just drives you crazy. I am referring to a certain situation, but I'm going to play the vague card for now. But just thinking about a lot tonight.

My test today was not so good. I've spent a lot of time doing other things the last few nights, and I have studied too, but I obviously didn't study enough. Then again nothing could have fully prepared me for the mess of a test it was today. Everything was just so vague and the questions were not good. I swear they're truly are trying to weed us out this semester. I've been messing with my grades all afternoon trying to figure out the best scenarios based on how I feel I might have done today. I guess at this point, I'm begging and praying that I made an 80 at all. We will see...

Ate dinner with the guys tonight. It was good to see Ryan, back from his trip with his international students he teaches they had the last four or five days for Fall break. Derek and Fultz too...I needed a fun hang out and chat, eat dinner night.

"Look me in the eye and tell me you dont find me attractive..." -Tegan and Sara..."Where Does the Good Go"

Making this today....

                                                                   Coca-Cola Cake

                                     http://www.plainchicken.com/2011/09/coca-cola-cake.html

...and then maybe this...depending on time....

                       Chicken, Mushrooms, and Artichoke Hearts with Cheese Tortellini

http://www.deliciousmeliscious.com/2008/12/chicken-mushrooms-and-artichoke-hearts.html

So glad to have gotten to sleep in today. If there is anything that will never change about me as I age, at least I don't predict it changing, it's being able to sleep in. My bed was so comfy and I definitely just laid in it and felt like I was in heaven for a bit. 

Been trying really hard to study, to focus. It's been hard. I'm not extremely interested in Respiratory stuff and my mind is on other things these days...good things :) but still other things. 

I do have a comment to make...women out there, finding the right kind of guy, and experiencing the difference between him and the bimbo you had before...there's just nothing like it. I mean, it knocks you off your feet, because if you're like me, you're ready for him to say or do something stupid that you've come to get used to, and then he doesn't, and he says what he should say if he's a gentleman. You're like, what the hell?! Not to mention, you're wondering how the other guy went through life being the idiot he is, and I guess you kind of feel sorry for him too, because he's got it all wrong, going the opposite of how he should be for life to be better for him, and he doesn't get it, doesn't see it. 

That's my random thoughts for the day...there might be more later, who knows :) Happy Sunday!

"Tiny Vessels" -Death Cab for Cutie

Making this yumminess tonight...

                                                           Chicken and Biscuits

I'll tell you how it is after we've devoured it! Check the recipe out here http://www.bhg.com/recipe/chicken/chicken-and-biscuits/

"Christian: Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months. And then, one not-so-very special day, I went to my typewriter, I sat down, and I wrote our story. A story about a time, a story about a place, a story about the people. But above all things, a story about love. A love that will live forever. The End. Christian: The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." -from the movie "Moulin Rouge"

So uncertainty kills me. I know I'm not the only one. We all want to know where we're supposed to go and what we're meant to do. I know for now what I'm meant to be...but the rest I'm waiting in anticipation...

I think failure is hard too. I find I won't start something if I know I'll fail, and over the last few years I've worked to abate this issue as I would never get finished or try anything in life if I didn't try things, even with the chance of failure. All this makes me sound like a control freak, but I'm not. I guess being goal oriented is just a more difficult task for me.

I guess you're wondering what got this thought started. Getting to know new people and trying to explain myself, who I am gets me evaluating more of myself, and that's when I start to see myself more, at least through other people's eyes. That sounds vague, and I'll try to explain it. You see I'm ok with taking the time to experience and learn from those experiences. I'm ok with the fact that that takes time, but I sometimes worry that others do not agree. I'm ok with gray areas and being able to be in the "dark and twisty" moments as they show me how to feel and have a heart for others, to see other perspectives and not be so judgemental.

So I guess what I'm saying is I'm growing, I'm learning still...I'm not giving up on things, but taking my time and cautiously going through new, and uncharted territory. I'm learning patience, and what to do while I'm trying to be patient, like my homework (haha) and spending time with the people I have here before it's too late and I have to move from them, or enjoying my family who want to help me succeed and being young, without too many life obligations, besides job and school. Trying to be ok with mundane as that's something I'm not good with doing. 

"Fried chicken just tend to make you feel better about life." -Minny Jackson from the book "The Help"

Been a good last few days. New things...exciting things. But I'm staying up way way too late, until the early morning hours, like all nighters, which I haven't done since I my freshmen sophomore years at Johnson. Sheesh...but they're worth it.

So...made this yumminess last night for dinner with my friend Ryan and his friend Fultz. Both turned out amazingly (there's one serving left of the casserole, and only the three of us ate it!). Here's the recipes...

Bubble Up Enchiladas

Weight Watcher Recipes 5 points

1 pound ground turkey
1 (10 ounce) can enchilada sauce
1 (8 ounce) can tomato sauce
1 can reduced fat refrigerator biscuits
1 ¼ cups shredded low fat Mexican Cheese

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brown turkey and drain if needed. Mix in a can of enchilada sauce and tomato sauce. Cut the refrigerated biscuits into fourths and stir them in the meat mixture. Then you just dump it all in a greased casserole and bake for 25 minutes. Take out of oven and sprinkle cheese on top. Bake an additional 10 minutes. Let stand for 5 minutes before serving.

You can make this into 6 or 8 servings

http://www.recipe-diaries.com

This is amazing! Then for dessert...

 The Perfect Brownies

½ cups sugar

¾ cup flour

¾ cup cocoa powder (see note below)

3 eggs

¾ cup butter, melted

¾ cup semi-sweet chocolate chips (see note below)

Directions 

  Combine the sugar, flour, cocoa, eggs and melted butter and mix. Do this by hand, until the dry ingredients are just incorporated into the wet, and stop. Stir in the chocolate chips. Line a 9×13 baking dish with parchment.  Pour the batter and spread it out. Don’t try to spread it like mayo on bread, or you’ll move the parchment around. Poke at it with the tip of a rubber spatula. Bake at 325° for 20-30 minutes. It’s done when a toothpick inserted in the tallest part comes out clean.  

http://cooklikeyourgrandmother.com

 

Perfect perfect homemade brownies! Check out more, it had some great recipes!

FALL IS HERE!!!

 ...and it was BEAUTIFUL outside today! The air was crisp, clean, and just a tad bid chilly with a slight breeze. I put up my fall/halloween decor today when I got back from my parents in Cookeville. Here are a few pics.

Isn't it cute!

 The mums mom planted for a few weeks ago are blooming nicely...and here's the inside decor...

 Fall makes me feel so so good. I can't describe it. Just an amazing time of year. So after clinicals yesterday, which was another great experience, I headed to my hometown to see my family. My brother and his new girlfriend were there and mom felt like we should have a family night and rather was missing me not there with the family.
We roasted hotdogs on the fire pit and had chili and mom had hung up here halloween orange lights and owls we used to hang up when we went camping. It was quite nice and the stars were beautiful. Mom invited the Cross', old family friends of ours and it was good to catch up with them as well. I will say I went to bed early cause I was dead tired from little sleep the last few days, but it was enjoyable to spend time with everyone. Making homemade chicken noodle soup and veggin' out here soon. Gotta work tomorrow...

"Falling Slowly" -Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova from movie "Once"

Made a big decision today to tell Justin I didn't want to talk to him anymore period, no friendship or anything and told him. He seemed to take it like he does everything else, he shut down and then started getting offensive about things...
I've not really taken time to think about it, and don't want to, because as much as this has been done for a long long time, and we don't even really talk much anymore anyway, I still have buried down in there feelings, and memories....and eventually they'll surface. But until they do...I'm trying to bask in the new. I'm so so so inpatient. If I'm really really wanting something. But I need to pace myself...remember things take time and usually the best things are waited for, but I will say this....I don't go for things unless I want them, I don't put time into pointless things, and I usually am pretty accurate in what I want....enough said on that

Made a 96 on my test Monday, which is crazy. That's the highest I've made thus far on any test during nursing school, and it brought up my nasty little grade from Musculoskeletal where I didn't spend as much time studying. Needless to say...it's amazing, every day, God getting me through this, the hardest thing I've done so far, just reminds me more and more every day that this is what I'm supposed to be doing.

So...made this recipe yesterday and wanted to share. It was very, very tasty for a meatless soup and I will be making it again. I got it off Pinterest (http://pinterest.com/). I'm finding I could waste so much time on that and StumbleUpon (http://www.stumbleupon.com/). Pinterest is more kind of like your own personal cork board, where you can see what's out there and categorize all the things you like most. I've only been on for like a month and already have like 650 pins, it's crazy. StumbleUpon is cool because you can tell it things you're interested in and it takes those interests and takes you to sights you would like, it's awesome! But anyway, I've been drooling (literally) over all the great recipes on Pinterest that I've found this one included...so:

Spinach Tomato Orzo Soup

olive oil

1 large onion, chopped (I used half an onion, but that's preference)

2 cloves garlic, chopped

1 lb spinach, fresh or frozen, defrosted (I used frozen defrosted)

1 – 15 oz can diced Italian tomatoes (with oregano and basil)

1 lb package orzo pasta

2 quarts chicken or vegetable stock

2 quarts water

1. Preheat a very large soup pot on medium and drizzle with olive oil. Add onions and saute until tender. Add garlic and saute for 2 – 3 minutes. Add canned tomatoes, spinach, chicken or vegetable stock and water. Bring to a boil then reduce heat back to medium.

2. Add orzo cook for 12 – 15 minutes, or until orzo is tender.

As seen on Pinterest, derived from: http://blogs.babble.com

So so yummy. I made a little panini sandwich to eat with it last night for dinner and it hit the spot.

The weeks are going by so fast. I look up and it's already Thursday and Friday, and then the weekend again. But I'm not complaining...

"Why don't we take the chance and do the Mambo Gelato..." -"Mambo Gelato" by Ray Gelato

 

So I've become a cooking fiend the last few years since living in apartments where I have my own stove and fridge and outside the dorm. I'm somewhat of a recipe hoarder and now that I traverse different blogs, it's a great way to see what all is out there and choose what I would like to make. I've subscribed to so many cooking blogs it's not even funny, and after watching and now owning the popular cooking film "Julie and Julia" (I even subscribed to Julie Powell's blog at one time, the one that wrote the book, who know's she might still be on my list on here, I can't remember) I've wanted to blog some of my fav. recipes I have made from the different blogs I've seen. Or even just to pick out favorites from cookbooks that I have. Someday after nursing school is done maybe I too can buy my copy of "Mastering the Art of French Cooking" By Julia Child and make my way through those recipes (although I have looked through the book at a bookstore before and have been overwhelmed, it's some intense cooking!). Anyway...that brings me to first recipe I'd like to share:

This is probably the first recipe I got off of a blog, as probably one of the first blogs I started following a few years ago. It's the best, I mean the best banana pudding recipe I've ever had. I probably will never eat any other, and what's funny is it taste is amazing with better ingredients, and yet it's so inexpensive and easy to make! It's actually a recipe derived from Magnolia's Bakery in LA I'm assuming because that is where the Susanne (the blogger) is from.  So here it is:

Magnolia’s Banana Pudding

1 (14-ounce) can sweetened condensed milk

1 1/2 cups ice cold water

1 (3.4-ounce) package instant vanilla pudding mix

3 cups heavy cream

1 (12-ounce) box Nabisco Nilla Wafers

4 cups sliced ripe bananas

  With an electric mixer beat together sweetened condensed milk and water until well combined, about 1 minute. Add the pudding mix and beat well, about 2 minutes more. Cover and refrigerate for 3-4 hours or overnight, before continuing. Make sure you allow enough time for mixture to chill before moving forward.

In another large bowl with electric mixer, whip the heavy cream until stiff peaks form. Gently fold the pudding mixture into the whipped cream until well blended and no streaks of pudding remain.

To put the pudding dessert together, another large bowel is needed and Susanne says glass works best. Arrange one-third of the wafers to cover the bottom of the bowl, overlapping if necessary, then one-third of the bananas and one-third of the pudding. Repeat the layering twice more, garnishing with additional wafers or wafer crumbs on the top layer of the pudding. Cover tightly with plastic wrap and allow to chill in the refrigerator for 4 hours - or up to 8 hours. Not longer than this because the bananas will start to get mushy in the mixture, but if you're like me you'll be dying to dig into it anyway!

 

Derived from: http://suzanne-marques.blogspot.com

You'll LOVE this stuff! In fact I may have to go buy the stuff this week and make it again after this lol. Tonight I'm making a soup recipe from a blog I found on Pinterest, which is a new obsession, as if I need something else to distract me from nursing school.

Also, if you're like me and like a little music while you're cooking, I chose the soundtrack from the movie "No Reservations", which is perfect because the movie involves lots of cooking. I'm listening to "Mambo Gelato" from is right now. Cooking is pretty romantic with the right guy, and this music makes me want a guy in the kitchen with me :) Check it out, I think you'll agree!

http://www.filmmusicsite.com

Really really want to post, but I so need to go to bed and get up to look over stuff for my test tomorrow...Blah!

"All the other kids with the pumped up kicks..." -Foster the People

Let's see, this weekend went by too fast. I love love not having anywhere to be, and to able to spend adequate time studying. Loving endocrine, and hoping it shows on my test Tuesday. Didn't do so hot on MS, and I could have done better, so need to get an "A" on this one to make up for it and get back in the game. I'm tired of my buddies that I usually get a few drinks with every once in a while. I don't mind drinking, but I'm so so sick of just being stupid and drinking. I came home Friday after clinicals and napped for an hour or two because I haven't been getting enough sleep during the week for staying up too late, which has been so worth it for certain reasons, but anyway, I didn't want any plans, I just wanted to be at home and veg out with a movie with no where to be. My friend called me to come out to their house and hang. I didn't want to, and tried to get out of it, but I felt like I should go see them b/c I so rarely do. So I went, and everyone was already drunk. And there were peeps there I'm not hugely fond of...I don't know I just felt like the non-drunk random person and it was tense and weird. I had a drink, stayed painfully for an hour or so and then came on back home. Just so tired of drinking to be drunk and stupid, not saying I do that a lot, but whenever I'm with that crowd that seems to be the goal for everyone that night, and I just don't feel like joining in. Maybe I'm a party pooper....who knows. Anyhoo...
Saturday I cleaned up things around the house and studied again...Sunday I met up with a friend I haven't seen in a while. This friend failed out our first semester of nursing school and we've still kept in touch despite that. I like her, but we rarely get anything done when she and I study together, although I made sure I got something done and did, and she did a few things. She makes me sad, because of her marriage issues. My counseling days come back to me every time she starts bringing up their issues in their family and marriage. Then dad and I studied tonight and then I messed around online and chitchatted till bed.

I'm stunned that October starts next week. I'm excited, so so excited because I love fall and when everything starts hibernating. The clothes, the weather, the colors...oh I'm in love. Makes me want to be outside more, as opposed to hot humid TN summer which makes me want to go in and avoid melting outside.

I got to thinking today that life has been pretty sweet lately. Things feel better, no they're not perfect, but they just are more exciting and I look forward to the next day and what's to come a little more. I'm glad for the changes. To not worry stupidly about Justin, to see an end in site for this degree so I can go towards stabilization, to perhaps begin on another romantic interest, to have a little less financial stress, for a time of year that I bask in, and for just hope in general of what's to come. It's nice...so so nice....

I'm in love with my Labor/Delivery clinicals. I'm very happy with my instructor, which is nice cause I can't say that for all of them. Not everyone seems willing/wanting to teach, and this lady so is, and has so much knowledge to share. And thus far I've learned more about the subject that I've learned skills for med-surg, or at least in quicker time for sure. Can't wait to head back to the nursery this week, to maybe deliver a baby(?!) and to learn more.

First off I'm random, so forgive me, but I jump the gun on a lot of things. Don't want to do that, but can I say that I'm hoping...for a certain something, to bloom and blossom and come about. I read this quote tonight that I really do believe to a certain extent, "It's the rule of life that everything you have always wanted comes the very second you stop looking for it." I kind of think this is perfect...I mean I don't want to sit and dwell on this certain thing I'm hoping for to become something more, but gosh...you know how hard that is for me...oh my gosh so hard....

Here's to hoping...

"Ive been trying to get down, to the heart of the matter, but my will gets weak, and my thoughts seem to scatter, but I think it's about, forgiveness"

Deep thinking tonight, where I have the chance to go to bed, not early, but ability to go to bed and not wake up at a certain early time. I'm not gonna lie, usually something negative prompts me to write. As a human, it's just as natural for me to only vent and speak when I'm sad, not when I'm content in life. The truth is....

A long time ago I asked God for wisdom, just like Solomon prayed to God for wisdom. And I sincerely think He did answer this prayer, but in the same way that he did Solomon, that "with wisdom comes great responsibility" to quote a certain movie, and that it opens up many other cans of worms that we have to be prepared to accept. I remember in Old Testament Poetry with Trotter how Solomon tried so hard to find happiness in every possible he could, he concludes with "...nothing was gained under the sun".

Nothing is gained under the sun. Nothing we achieve on earth means anything, and I'm guessing it means nothing without God, and I'm guessing hence our whole purpose. Our job is to bring people to him, to worship, and to relate to him, supposedly the only real thing worth meaning "under the sun". I do truly believe this. But my struggle is constantly how do we relate with one another, be married and fruitful? Is that meaningless? Does that mean I spend too much wasted energy (and I know I most certainly do) on the things I want in life? And if so is it pretty much pointless for us to set specific other goals if that's not our purpose in life? See I'm struggling with this whole doing my purpose, and the concept of letting something go and just spending time totally wrapped up in that mission, than CABOOM, there's mate right in front of you, you get married and if you like make babies. It seems nonsense...
But yet we're meant to relate and obviously procreate hence forth there would be no population..

As you can see...very frustrating, very confusing. I don't want to wallow until he comes, which ever he comes first, but I'm struggling on where I should be, what I should be doing.

Believe me it is so hard for me not to pout right now, to say that it's so unfair that no guy is has ever treated me romantically in a right way, that I've been used and unfairly lead on for selfish reasons...but the truth is, I could do that and lose all hope there....I suppose, I need to channel ol' Solomon. I can't go no where under the sun without God, because it all is pointless...so I hold on and cling for dear life I suppose...

Church does make it better...

Did this on the ol' computer before heading to church, which was great and helped the negativity I am swimming in a bit.

Feeling somewhat better, and realizing how selfish I sound here on these last posts and if someone was actually reading them they would think I am a narcissistic whiner who needs to get some better esteem on things and get to living my life and deal.
I get that,and I want to do better. I need issues and things to talk about on here besides myself. I'll make efforts to find stimulating topics. Until next time...

"Try a little tenderness" -Otis Redding

Trying to focus on reading my stuff for my test this Friday and getting class work done that I've put off. Just so tired. Haven't had a full real eight hours in a while of sleep and today's was not enough to make up for the three days of five hours. Still kind of down in the dumps. Melissa was supposed to stay the night last night, and honestly, it's not like I was in the mood to have her here to entertain, more or less her company was soothing. She ended up going home after a while and it was a lonely apartment with just me in it again. Anyway, this just shows me all the more I need a room mate, if anything to feel comfort of another person in the house. But someone I can enjoy when we do interact, which is why I am excited about Maegan possibly being that, starting this summer.
I'm going to go to church tonight, something I haven't done on my own in a while. Not that I don't want to go, just don't stay motivated and with no one there to talk to, it's awkward and weird, but I need to go, if anything to fulfill a need for closeness and worship with God for a moment outside of my home.
Yesterday while I was writing the post before this I was txting Justin at the same time. I told him that he could not just txt me when he was horny and that I'm growing tired of being sympathetic to his ambivalence to communicating or txting me back because he's tired, or wanting to watch a game, or busy, all of which I am as well, if not more than he is. I told him we need a real conversation, on the phone or skype or something sometime soon. He said he agreed, and then went on to try to talk to me about my week and his, in quick terms, nothing too deep to try to make up for something or another.
But he did respond and who knows what this conversation will hold. I just hope I stay strong and stick to my guns, as I'm a whole different tired today than I was yesterday and let things go sometimes because of that.
This is the most depressed I've been in a while about things. I didn't even really enjoy my date with Melissa last night and I just feel like when I do see people I'm a downer.
I dread the week, so much to do, and something to do everyday. I have two 12 hour PC shifts and I hate that, although, when I try to calculate up a lesser week of work, I almost don't make enough to pay the bills and live a bit, so that's frustrating, and I can't decide yet if I'm going to continue to add more work on or just deal with as is and live as less as I can.
Also another case management day which I'm looking forward to. I'm hoping that I can get more and more hours from that.
I love the snow this year, but hoping it doesn't go too crazy this week because of the 12 hour shifts because I have a test and such to look to.
Just praying in general this semester is not like this the whole time.

"Another one bites the dust..." -Queen

...and that would be me. I bite the dust. Because as ecstatic as I am, and so excited about all my friends weddings and babies, I'm reminded all weekend long of how sad and alone and like Bridget Jones I am. I hate Justin right now. So much so that I don't even want him anymore. I just want a chance to talk to him to tell him what I feel and be done. As much as it all hurts, and I guess I need to get the courage to do that since I'm terrified I'm comping out on something, what feels like the only something big I'll have.
Have you eve just cried so hard out to God, your whole body shaking and in such desperation? That's me...in my living room. In my cute navy sundress with brown leggings that I'm wearing tonight for dinner out with Melissa, because my spirits were starting to lift because I had ran a couple miles and my house was looking good and organized.
Gosh...I'm exhausted...and don't want to be the "Old Maid" the rest of my life with all my friends surrounding me with their husbands and kids. Begging God not to make me this single person that I'm so worried he's making me out to be for the rest of my life...cause honestly, I don't know if I want to be here then...I have too much love to give...

"Lonely...I'm still lonely...I have nobody, for my own, oh ah...I'm so lonely..." Akon

I miss Xanga where I would have tons of people to post comments, give me advice as I blogged and make me feel somewhat better during my crappy times, but alas no one reads this and my one friend that does never comments, if she even reads it so...
I've done everything possible today to feel better about life, the prick Justin, and just my lonely pathetic situation in general, hah, I even joined another dating site. I just feel...gosh I feel like I repel all that is good in a man. I get the sleezy ones that just like the big girls and want to be sexual with no real grit to them. I want to be swept off my feet in love and in romance and to snuggle together and sleep huddled together at night in the bed.
I'm bitter, at God, at myself, and Justin, and my parents. My parents would tell me as usual that I had to be thinner to get a husband. I say you don't, and there's proof of it, just not my own proof. I'm tired of making excuses for Justin, though I'm no fool, I truly believe some of it. I just think he has so much more growing up to do and I don't know if he'll do it in time for us to work out together. I'm exhausted of the situation...and I want out but I am genuinely terrified of being alone the rest of my life, to not get to fulfill the dream of being a wife and mother. Is there anybody who loves me?

Bitterness is me...you can call me Naomi

God if you new he was going to bring pain and hurt in my life, and bring no good...if you knew he wasn't the one, why did you ever let him in. I prayed and this is what I got...HIM...you've certainly left me on this ordeal it seems...

Some nights...

 I guess I'm praying for some snow tonight so I don't have class and I can actually get to my reading that I should be doing for my first test. Not really sure what I'm doing, or how to do all of it. Just not motivated yet for school I guess, or more like I'm motivated but not for this stuff. I want to do procedures and learn techniques, and right now we're just talking about how to talk to pts and families, how to comfort, things that are common sense.
I miss Justin. I've dreams about him the last few nights and they're so vivid, and in each one of them he's got this boundary with me, but at least he chooses to be around me in them. That sounds horrible like he's mean to me, and he's not, he just always seems to be holding me off and I think that comes off subconsciously in my dreams. I haven't talked to him now in a guess a little over a week. He txted me Tuesday, but we didn't say much through that. That he knows that we haven't gotten to talk a lot lately, but to not read too much into it. I just miss him. And I miss being held and sleeping beside him.
I know things are really good right now, besides him,the doors God is opening through this scholarship that I got to pay for college, my new job kicking off well, and starting a nursing program, a roommate in the summer. All great things. And the possibility of snow. Sometimes things just don't feel ok, but we gotta press on...

Wowzas!

Biggest snow Tennessee has seen probably since I was a kid, in the early 90's. It's pretty incredible. So I'm a complete hermit today hanging out, probably at some point cleaning up my house and getting ready for the semester where I won't be getting as much done on my house as I usually do.

Still it's hard not to be lazy and enjoying this snuggle weather with cocoa and crocheting. Just wish I had someone around to do it with. I would love to have a roommate, mainly only for company, rather then someone to always talk to. It's soothing, to have someone just around in the house. I had a lot of dreams last night, many about Justin and other things. I dreamed though, as usual he was always keeping me at a distance, kind of like it is now. Where I would try to hold his hand and he wouldn't do it, but he wasn't outwardly mean about it. Just holding me at a distance. It was disconcerting and I wish I hadn't dreamed of him at all in a way.

Been watching a lot of movies to make time go by and to just enjoy them for the first time in months. Last night started Cold Mountain, great movie with lots of history...

Still haven't heard from MSHA for my scholarship. Concerned this may not work out, but happy to apply to other places, possibly some up north if I can find them. We will see..

What was much needed...

Watching "Felicity" way later than I should be and crocheting...an amazing past time I've taken up more of over break, and actually doing it correctly for once. I'm certainly enjoying it.

I spent almost the whole day with Ryan. It felt like going back to something familiar and relaxing and the company was amazing to being alone like I feel like I am all the time since I'm not on campus with people surrounding me and friends that have left. We ate lunch together and checked out some thrift stores. We drove around and got lost checking out new places and then ended at a grocery store. We headed back to the apartment and hung and watched pictures for another hour or two and then he headed home. I appreciate him so much and I'm hoping he stays in Knoxville and takes the CAK job, but if he doesn't then he heads to Tawain...sadly. I just hope things work out the way they should...but seriously selfishly I hope he doesn't. Anyway, just had a really good day and can't describe how amazing it's been to have time to do nothing and to rest my tired fried brain after this semester....

Making up for it...

The Last few days have not been great at work, mainly staff wise of all things. I'm going to go ahead and say it, I don't make friends easily and I really don't like a lot of people. That seems incredulous coming from someone getting into nursing, but I just get too overwhelmed with all the different personalities and it takes a while for me to really call someone a friend, if I even ever get to that point with them. It's a weakness, and one I see advantages in too, at least it's a good way to keep boundaries. What this has to do with my work deal is my fellow employees are becoming friends, one in particular. I look up to her and she's like a second momma to me while I'm here away from my real momma, and in some ways more mommyish then my momma is sometimes, at least in the soothing cuddle you when you feel bad way. Another thing I'd like to mention that I hate is threesome friends. There are so many dynamics to people and personalities all hanging around each other and it's so much more complicated than we give it credit for. Everybody's ego in some way, gets in the way. But anyway, a little of the threesome, leave out Mary and make her do everything was going on yesterday, and I said something and it ended up making everyone mad instead of clearing the air and awareness. Sucks, cause I hate confrontation anyway and when it backfires, it's twice as painful, especially since I avoid saying anything at all costs most of the time. Anyway...so it made the day fairly painful to get through...

Ok well Ryan just walked in more in a bit...

SNOW!

Boy of boy has the winter weather hit Knoxville/Louisville area this year. I love it. My apartment complex has a huge hill up to my apartment and I have to park below to insure I get to work in the mornings. It was snowing and I was covered as I was walking back up and it was lovely and beautiful and made me fill like I was in a snow globe. Such a kid like feeling and I was filled with emotion for one of the coolest things God has invented. We're supposed to get a lot tonight as well and I have to work in the morning, may have to spend the night at the hospital, but I don't think I'll mind too much. I love that I'm finally getting to experience winter in all it's glorious possibilities.

Dealing with financial aid at LMU. Still waiting on MSHA to decide if they want to pay for my schooling or not. I think they do, but are just taking forever. Hope they get to it soon.

Justin is a pain in the butt right now. I haven't talked about him and what's been going on with that in a while, but basically he's working a lot and tired...which I get, I mean I work 12 hours shifts at a psych hospital nonetheless myself, but I hate when I send him a message to say "hey" and he just ignores it or gets off of facebook cause he doesn't feel in the mood to talk. I get that but a simple "hey" back is all I want...anyhoo...

Guys don't make much since. They work so hard to whoo you in the beginning and then after a while it's like they know they have you and decide to slack and be lazy about it. Not sure how to make him see things take effort...

Enough venting...

Winter break coming to a close...

So, unfortunately...maybe not unfortunately...perhaps rather quickly is the better way to put it, my winter break is coming to a close. I put the tree away which I was ready to do, but not ready for the big gaping hole it left in my living room, which seems empty. I'll have to get a decorative light up tree to take it's place or something else fun and fabulous.

I've been running errands today like crazy, not normal ones though, such as peeing in a cup for a urine drug screen for LMU and checking up on bills for internet. I shall start classes next Wednesday and Friday.

I looked at the syllabus today and was starting to get a headache reading all 63 pages (yes seriously, 63 pages!) of it trying to figure out the requirements and assignments of the semester. Can't believe one class has this much information, which scares me thinking all the classes are going to be this complicated. Of coarse the reality of this is, it's meant to be hard, and I've got to jump into the challenge and not get freaked out to where I don't succeed.

Other than this I've mostly been working (it's not been fun lately) with my ladies at the hospital (although I did work with the men yesterday and they were a much needed break from the ladies)and cooking fun new things, which are fun to make, but not great for me to eat, so I'm going to have to quit doing that. I'm certainly enjoying my days off and home to myself. They are a much needed treat that I wish I had more of during my semester.

Two day of work left to go this week and then heading to Cookeville Friday night to study math with dad, getting me read for medication math. Hope it's not too stressful and tedious.

Fresh start...I suppose

So I decide to start again. I've been reading all these blogs over the last year, just about all of them being someone I don't know or have never met. I've been prone to think that online blogging is somewhat a narcissistic concept, but after looking at these blogs, I've found that people blog on just about anything. I've joined several on cooking, some on mission trip updating, some on style and popular cultural decorating, others are the typical blog of someone's day to day life. But I've realized that blogging can be informational and entertaining as well as a release. So with this said, I've decided to give this whirl and try again. When I last updated, I was going through one of the many steps and changes in life. I won't go into detail of what exactly that was because it's pretty personal, and I'm sure you can guess if you really tried, but it was quite an experience to say the least and one I'll never forget. And so now I begin a new year and new chapter to the "Mary Chronicles". After a semester of killing brain cells while expanding them to learn Microbiology and Anatomy (mostly Physiology) II, I have been accepted to Lincoln Memorial University to begin my completion of my second degree, this one an ASN in nursing. As I start this, I'm terrified. For one, I'm not a good student. I have to work hard for what I get grade wise and though I know I'm smart, I don't test well. So with this I am embark on a whole new challenge, not able to get anymore C's in classes and learning to study and test in a whole new way, in applying what I know when it comes to testing, not spouting off learned material. This will be hard, but I do believe God has me on this Nursing path full force, which is humorous to be as I never saw myself in he medical field nor did I ever think I could be on it. I should be starting this spring semester, going through the summer, next fall, and then my final semester being next spring. Graduation should be that May, and then I'll take my nursing boards, and if I pass them I will be a nurse and able to practice this in any hospital. To do this will cost me more money then I ever had to spend for Johnson, and it's all for just a year and a half of classes. So I've applied to a nursing recruitment center in Johnson City to pay for my education at LMU (plus a $1500 stipend each semester, definitely not sad about that) for the simple price of working for them for them in one of their facilities for 3 years after I have finished my degree. Many say, "that's crazy you're stuck with them for 3 years", but I say, "hey, I've already been at Peninsula for three years, and it's $30,000 I'm not going to be in debt with once I graduate". So with this said...it seems to be that my near future is pretty well planned, just like that. Of coarse right now it doesn't seem daunting, it seems secure, but ask me about it again in a year or two, lol. Still pending for sure acceptance with the Nursing recruitment place...but I'm pretty sure it's a "go".

I would like to add more of the upcoming and past year's events, but I must meet a work friend to study for her EMT boards...which is good, it makes me learn and gets my brain ready for what's to come in the following weeks. Until later...