Church does make it better...

Did this on the ol' computer before heading to church, which was great and helped the negativity I am swimming in a bit.

Feeling somewhat better, and realizing how selfish I sound here on these last posts and if someone was actually reading them they would think I am a narcissistic whiner who needs to get some better esteem on things and get to living my life and deal.
I get that,and I want to do better. I need issues and things to talk about on here besides myself. I'll make efforts to find stimulating topics. Until next time...

"Try a little tenderness" -Otis Redding

Trying to focus on reading my stuff for my test this Friday and getting class work done that I've put off. Just so tired. Haven't had a full real eight hours in a while of sleep and today's was not enough to make up for the three days of five hours. Still kind of down in the dumps. Melissa was supposed to stay the night last night, and honestly, it's not like I was in the mood to have her here to entertain, more or less her company was soothing. She ended up going home after a while and it was a lonely apartment with just me in it again. Anyway, this just shows me all the more I need a room mate, if anything to feel comfort of another person in the house. But someone I can enjoy when we do interact, which is why I am excited about Maegan possibly being that, starting this summer.
I'm going to go to church tonight, something I haven't done on my own in a while. Not that I don't want to go, just don't stay motivated and with no one there to talk to, it's awkward and weird, but I need to go, if anything to fulfill a need for closeness and worship with God for a moment outside of my home.
Yesterday while I was writing the post before this I was txting Justin at the same time. I told him that he could not just txt me when he was horny and that I'm growing tired of being sympathetic to his ambivalence to communicating or txting me back because he's tired, or wanting to watch a game, or busy, all of which I am as well, if not more than he is. I told him we need a real conversation, on the phone or skype or something sometime soon. He said he agreed, and then went on to try to talk to me about my week and his, in quick terms, nothing too deep to try to make up for something or another.
But he did respond and who knows what this conversation will hold. I just hope I stay strong and stick to my guns, as I'm a whole different tired today than I was yesterday and let things go sometimes because of that.
This is the most depressed I've been in a while about things. I didn't even really enjoy my date with Melissa last night and I just feel like when I do see people I'm a downer.
I dread the week, so much to do, and something to do everyday. I have two 12 hour PC shifts and I hate that, although, when I try to calculate up a lesser week of work, I almost don't make enough to pay the bills and live a bit, so that's frustrating, and I can't decide yet if I'm going to continue to add more work on or just deal with as is and live as less as I can.
Also another case management day which I'm looking forward to. I'm hoping that I can get more and more hours from that.
I love the snow this year, but hoping it doesn't go too crazy this week because of the 12 hour shifts because I have a test and such to look to.
Just praying in general this semester is not like this the whole time.

"Another one bites the dust..." -Queen

...and that would be me. I bite the dust. Because as ecstatic as I am, and so excited about all my friends weddings and babies, I'm reminded all weekend long of how sad and alone and like Bridget Jones I am. I hate Justin right now. So much so that I don't even want him anymore. I just want a chance to talk to him to tell him what I feel and be done. As much as it all hurts, and I guess I need to get the courage to do that since I'm terrified I'm comping out on something, what feels like the only something big I'll have.
Have you eve just cried so hard out to God, your whole body shaking and in such desperation? That's me...in my living room. In my cute navy sundress with brown leggings that I'm wearing tonight for dinner out with Melissa, because my spirits were starting to lift because I had ran a couple miles and my house was looking good and organized.
Gosh...I'm exhausted...and don't want to be the "Old Maid" the rest of my life with all my friends surrounding me with their husbands and kids. Begging God not to make me this single person that I'm so worried he's making me out to be for the rest of my life...cause honestly, I don't know if I want to be here then...I have too much love to give...

"Lonely...I'm still lonely...I have nobody, for my own, oh ah...I'm so lonely..." Akon

I miss Xanga where I would have tons of people to post comments, give me advice as I blogged and make me feel somewhat better during my crappy times, but alas no one reads this and my one friend that does never comments, if she even reads it so...
I've done everything possible today to feel better about life, the prick Justin, and just my lonely pathetic situation in general, hah, I even joined another dating site. I just feel...gosh I feel like I repel all that is good in a man. I get the sleezy ones that just like the big girls and want to be sexual with no real grit to them. I want to be swept off my feet in love and in romance and to snuggle together and sleep huddled together at night in the bed.
I'm bitter, at God, at myself, and Justin, and my parents. My parents would tell me as usual that I had to be thinner to get a husband. I say you don't, and there's proof of it, just not my own proof. I'm tired of making excuses for Justin, though I'm no fool, I truly believe some of it. I just think he has so much more growing up to do and I don't know if he'll do it in time for us to work out together. I'm exhausted of the situation...and I want out but I am genuinely terrified of being alone the rest of my life, to not get to fulfill the dream of being a wife and mother. Is there anybody who loves me?

Bitterness is me...you can call me Naomi

God if you new he was going to bring pain and hurt in my life, and bring no good...if you knew he wasn't the one, why did you ever let him in. I prayed and this is what I got...HIM...you've certainly left me on this ordeal it seems...

Some nights...

 I guess I'm praying for some snow tonight so I don't have class and I can actually get to my reading that I should be doing for my first test. Not really sure what I'm doing, or how to do all of it. Just not motivated yet for school I guess, or more like I'm motivated but not for this stuff. I want to do procedures and learn techniques, and right now we're just talking about how to talk to pts and families, how to comfort, things that are common sense.
I miss Justin. I've dreams about him the last few nights and they're so vivid, and in each one of them he's got this boundary with me, but at least he chooses to be around me in them. That sounds horrible like he's mean to me, and he's not, he just always seems to be holding me off and I think that comes off subconsciously in my dreams. I haven't talked to him now in a guess a little over a week. He txted me Tuesday, but we didn't say much through that. That he knows that we haven't gotten to talk a lot lately, but to not read too much into it. I just miss him. And I miss being held and sleeping beside him.
I know things are really good right now, besides him,the doors God is opening through this scholarship that I got to pay for college, my new job kicking off well, and starting a nursing program, a roommate in the summer. All great things. And the possibility of snow. Sometimes things just don't feel ok, but we gotta press on...

Wowzas!

Biggest snow Tennessee has seen probably since I was a kid, in the early 90's. It's pretty incredible. So I'm a complete hermit today hanging out, probably at some point cleaning up my house and getting ready for the semester where I won't be getting as much done on my house as I usually do.

Still it's hard not to be lazy and enjoying this snuggle weather with cocoa and crocheting. Just wish I had someone around to do it with. I would love to have a roommate, mainly only for company, rather then someone to always talk to. It's soothing, to have someone just around in the house. I had a lot of dreams last night, many about Justin and other things. I dreamed though, as usual he was always keeping me at a distance, kind of like it is now. Where I would try to hold his hand and he wouldn't do it, but he wasn't outwardly mean about it. Just holding me at a distance. It was disconcerting and I wish I hadn't dreamed of him at all in a way.

Been watching a lot of movies to make time go by and to just enjoy them for the first time in months. Last night started Cold Mountain, great movie with lots of history...

Still haven't heard from MSHA for my scholarship. Concerned this may not work out, but happy to apply to other places, possibly some up north if I can find them. We will see..

What was much needed...

Watching "Felicity" way later than I should be and crocheting...an amazing past time I've taken up more of over break, and actually doing it correctly for once. I'm certainly enjoying it.

I spent almost the whole day with Ryan. It felt like going back to something familiar and relaxing and the company was amazing to being alone like I feel like I am all the time since I'm not on campus with people surrounding me and friends that have left. We ate lunch together and checked out some thrift stores. We drove around and got lost checking out new places and then ended at a grocery store. We headed back to the apartment and hung and watched pictures for another hour or two and then he headed home. I appreciate him so much and I'm hoping he stays in Knoxville and takes the CAK job, but if he doesn't then he heads to Tawain...sadly. I just hope things work out the way they should...but seriously selfishly I hope he doesn't. Anyway, just had a really good day and can't describe how amazing it's been to have time to do nothing and to rest my tired fried brain after this semester....

Making up for it...

The Last few days have not been great at work, mainly staff wise of all things. I'm going to go ahead and say it, I don't make friends easily and I really don't like a lot of people. That seems incredulous coming from someone getting into nursing, but I just get too overwhelmed with all the different personalities and it takes a while for me to really call someone a friend, if I even ever get to that point with them. It's a weakness, and one I see advantages in too, at least it's a good way to keep boundaries. What this has to do with my work deal is my fellow employees are becoming friends, one in particular. I look up to her and she's like a second momma to me while I'm here away from my real momma, and in some ways more mommyish then my momma is sometimes, at least in the soothing cuddle you when you feel bad way. Another thing I'd like to mention that I hate is threesome friends. There are so many dynamics to people and personalities all hanging around each other and it's so much more complicated than we give it credit for. Everybody's ego in some way, gets in the way. But anyway, a little of the threesome, leave out Mary and make her do everything was going on yesterday, and I said something and it ended up making everyone mad instead of clearing the air and awareness. Sucks, cause I hate confrontation anyway and when it backfires, it's twice as painful, especially since I avoid saying anything at all costs most of the time. Anyway...so it made the day fairly painful to get through...

Ok well Ryan just walked in more in a bit...

SNOW!

Boy of boy has the winter weather hit Knoxville/Louisville area this year. I love it. My apartment complex has a huge hill up to my apartment and I have to park below to insure I get to work in the mornings. It was snowing and I was covered as I was walking back up and it was lovely and beautiful and made me fill like I was in a snow globe. Such a kid like feeling and I was filled with emotion for one of the coolest things God has invented. We're supposed to get a lot tonight as well and I have to work in the morning, may have to spend the night at the hospital, but I don't think I'll mind too much. I love that I'm finally getting to experience winter in all it's glorious possibilities.

Dealing with financial aid at LMU. Still waiting on MSHA to decide if they want to pay for my schooling or not. I think they do, but are just taking forever. Hope they get to it soon.

Justin is a pain in the butt right now. I haven't talked about him and what's been going on with that in a while, but basically he's working a lot and tired...which I get, I mean I work 12 hours shifts at a psych hospital nonetheless myself, but I hate when I send him a message to say "hey" and he just ignores it or gets off of facebook cause he doesn't feel in the mood to talk. I get that but a simple "hey" back is all I want...anyhoo...

Guys don't make much since. They work so hard to whoo you in the beginning and then after a while it's like they know they have you and decide to slack and be lazy about it. Not sure how to make him see things take effort...

Enough venting...

Winter break coming to a close...

So, unfortunately...maybe not unfortunately...perhaps rather quickly is the better way to put it, my winter break is coming to a close. I put the tree away which I was ready to do, but not ready for the big gaping hole it left in my living room, which seems empty. I'll have to get a decorative light up tree to take it's place or something else fun and fabulous.

I've been running errands today like crazy, not normal ones though, such as peeing in a cup for a urine drug screen for LMU and checking up on bills for internet. I shall start classes next Wednesday and Friday.

I looked at the syllabus today and was starting to get a headache reading all 63 pages (yes seriously, 63 pages!) of it trying to figure out the requirements and assignments of the semester. Can't believe one class has this much information, which scares me thinking all the classes are going to be this complicated. Of coarse the reality of this is, it's meant to be hard, and I've got to jump into the challenge and not get freaked out to where I don't succeed.

Other than this I've mostly been working (it's not been fun lately) with my ladies at the hospital (although I did work with the men yesterday and they were a much needed break from the ladies)and cooking fun new things, which are fun to make, but not great for me to eat, so I'm going to have to quit doing that. I'm certainly enjoying my days off and home to myself. They are a much needed treat that I wish I had more of during my semester.

Two day of work left to go this week and then heading to Cookeville Friday night to study math with dad, getting me read for medication math. Hope it's not too stressful and tedious.

Fresh start...I suppose

So I decide to start again. I've been reading all these blogs over the last year, just about all of them being someone I don't know or have never met. I've been prone to think that online blogging is somewhat a narcissistic concept, but after looking at these blogs, I've found that people blog on just about anything. I've joined several on cooking, some on mission trip updating, some on style and popular cultural decorating, others are the typical blog of someone's day to day life. But I've realized that blogging can be informational and entertaining as well as a release. So with this said, I've decided to give this whirl and try again. When I last updated, I was going through one of the many steps and changes in life. I won't go into detail of what exactly that was because it's pretty personal, and I'm sure you can guess if you really tried, but it was quite an experience to say the least and one I'll never forget. And so now I begin a new year and new chapter to the "Mary Chronicles". After a semester of killing brain cells while expanding them to learn Microbiology and Anatomy (mostly Physiology) II, I have been accepted to Lincoln Memorial University to begin my completion of my second degree, this one an ASN in nursing. As I start this, I'm terrified. For one, I'm not a good student. I have to work hard for what I get grade wise and though I know I'm smart, I don't test well. So with this I am embark on a whole new challenge, not able to get anymore C's in classes and learning to study and test in a whole new way, in applying what I know when it comes to testing, not spouting off learned material. This will be hard, but I do believe God has me on this Nursing path full force, which is humorous to be as I never saw myself in he medical field nor did I ever think I could be on it. I should be starting this spring semester, going through the summer, next fall, and then my final semester being next spring. Graduation should be that May, and then I'll take my nursing boards, and if I pass them I will be a nurse and able to practice this in any hospital. To do this will cost me more money then I ever had to spend for Johnson, and it's all for just a year and a half of classes. So I've applied to a nursing recruitment center in Johnson City to pay for my education at LMU (plus a $1500 stipend each semester, definitely not sad about that) for the simple price of working for them for them in one of their facilities for 3 years after I have finished my degree. Many say, "that's crazy you're stuck with them for 3 years", but I say, "hey, I've already been at Peninsula for three years, and it's $30,000 I'm not going to be in debt with once I graduate". So with this said...it seems to be that my near future is pretty well planned, just like that. Of coarse right now it doesn't seem daunting, it seems secure, but ask me about it again in a year or two, lol. Still pending for sure acceptance with the Nursing recruitment place...but I'm pretty sure it's a "go".

I would like to add more of the upcoming and past year's events, but I must meet a work friend to study for her EMT boards...which is good, it makes me learn and gets my brain ready for what's to come in the following weeks. Until later...