I have not posted in a very very long time, no that I have very many readers. I mainly just write on here as a cathartic way to relieve negative feelings. This time is no different.

A lot has happened the last 6 months. I'm not going into all the details now, although I should at some point as they all lead up to now. You see I did something for the first time....I fully communicated to someone, and did so in a good way. I encouraged them and lifted them up, but told them things I was thinking about, feeling, and even some personal history to help them understand why I do the things I do and in some ways the way I am. It has basically ruined a lot of the friendship, I mean we needed a bit of a break anyway, but it's definitely put huge distance between us. But I loved that person, was in love with that person, probably if I could get past the hurt and pain and anger I have now that is a result of the behavior that has come from this individual, the rejecting, ignoring, doing all the things to push the buttons they know will hurt, refusing to speak with me regarding what I told them, and generally just changing everything that was our routine, what we did on a normal basis....I'm just so so hurt. I've never cried so much, never been so angry, having thoughts of bad things happening to this person, that's not me, I don't ever usually go that far.

I know I'm promised that this will pass, this will end, but right now it just feels like the worst possible break-up in the world or something, there's no amount of chocolate, crying, movies, wine that could make this better, cause I've tried it. Even tried flirting with others as distraction. And part of the issue is I'm pretty lonely. I'm left up here in this awful apartment complex alone, rejected, no friends near, I'm so lonely, so loathing of my place and situation in life. Despairing....

"Everyone gets old. Not everyone grows up"

This is the tagline from a movie I saw tonight, "Young Adult". It's sad, intense and shows a scared very confused and unhappy girl who is recently divorced and writes a young adult high school series that is dying in popularity has ended it's time. She gets an email with a baby announcement from an old flame and decides that she will go back to her small hometown and persuade this married new father that they are meant for each other. On the way she meets an old reject that she being a past "prom queen" used to make fun of in a bar. She finds solace in him over the next few days as events keep building up to her making a fool of herself in front of her old flame, his wife and mainly the whole town at a baby naming ceremony where she proclaims that she and him and this old flame were always meant to be together. At the end she sleeps with the nerdy reject and the next morning wakes up and you expect that she's got a clean slate she's ready to learn from what she's done and what's happened but talking to the "rejects" sister only brings her to the conclusion that she was on the right path all along she just needs to totally blow off the town and get back to the big city and start from scratch with new and bigger and better things from there. The movie ends on that note.

Now with this all said and summed up, this is a very sad ending. One with no closure for this girl. But my whole point with this is, this movie hit home a lot tonight. I saw myself in this girls crazy, erratic behavior with men and relationships, her sad, sorely mistaken thinking on people. It hurt so bad how much I could feel the similarity that I about started balling during the movie right next to the boys I was watching it with. I have been there where I was so thinking I was ready to take a new step and go on with life and just pushing on, pushing on and controlling my every move just like her....but basically I was just driving myself, am driving myself to the ground, just like her.

I'm struggling. I'm so determined that the only way it's going to work is if I'm in control. Nothing will work out the way it's supposed to unless I control every situation and detail. It's exhausting. Tonight, after having talked to my brother and his girlfriend today, and another friend...I had a thought. It's not just the changing, it's the changing to what you know is the right way to go, without knowing the outcome, jump into helpless oblivion and trust in the outcome, and of coarse that brought me to God. I would have to do that, to jump into my unknown beyond my comfort zone of control, before I know the outcome.

Sounds easy, sounds cliche...but seriously it scares the hell out of me...and despite what many would say, I wouldn't be surprised if there weren't others who would be with me in this thinking.

So with all this said, tonight I'm praying for several things, but especially for peace with this concept. Peace in jumping into helpless, uncontrolled oblivion....and not knowing what my future holds and what's going to happen...

So random...

I've been thinking more and more...I think I'm going to have a baby, maybe on my own. I mean yes after a few years here, but soon. Just thinking a lot about it here lately...

Story of my life....

Feelin' like i'm failing...

Well I am failing...and I'm feeling like a failure. I'm having so so much trouble in my classes and I'm feeling depressed and just pouty and sad about everything, and pressure from my mother again who I honestly just want to punch in the face b/c she's so discouraging...sheesh

And then my men, my boys, especially Ryan that I need are moody and not helping me feel better....

Just pretty down right now :(

Missin' my Ry-Ry already. It will be a long weekend...

"We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we're curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths." -Walt Disney

So a moment of just talking for a sec...

I'm getting that all too familiar feeling again that I'm chasing, and not the one being chased anymore, that things just aren't right...

It's not a good feeling and I'm in no way ready to deal with it again, as I spent two years doing it before. I'm not bitter, just...I like for people to be honest with me, upfront, because Lord knows I can come up with the worst scenarios and ideas of what's wrong with things in my head, and I can deal with the truth by making a plan, or letting things come to a close....I'm rambling, but anyway. I just don't want to go back to following, chasing, wishing, hoping, and praying for something that has no chance, because there's too much going on in life....

With that said...

Test today was not too awful, and I hope that my gut feeling is correct that I did ok. I'm excited about clinicals this week because if I read it correctly, I think I'll be going to a flu clinic Thursday to give flu shots all day. I'm pretty excited about it as I couldn't possibly miss a moment to give someone a shot, lol...just kidding, but really I love getting to practice my skills as doing helps the learning. 

With that said, made the Chicken Pot pie and Apple cheesecake recipes, both which were very good. I'm thinking about making this tomorrow:

Mexican Pizza

Ingredients:
1/2 lb ground beef
taco seasoning
1/4 cup water
4 flour tortillas (10 inch)
cooking spray
2 tbsp chopped green onions
1/2 can (8 ounces) refried beans
1 cup diced tomatoes
1/2 cup taco sauce
1 cup shredded cheese
sliced black olives, optional

Directions:

Heat a large skillet over medium heat and cook the ground beef until brown, drain. Return to the heat and add the onion & pepper, taco seasoning and water. Continue to cook for several minutes, until cooked through, stirring often.

Spray both sides of each tortilla with cooking spray and place directly on the middle rack of your oven. Bake for about 6 minutes, turning halfway through, until golden brown and crispy. Watch carefully so they do not burn. Remove to a baking sheet.

Microwave the refried beans for 30-60 seconds, or until spreadable.

Lay 2 tortillas out on a baking sheet; top each with a spoonful of the beans, ground beef, and 1/4 cup cheese. Top with another tortilla and lightly press down.

Top the second tortillas each with 1/4 cup taco sauce. Layer with diced tomatoes, cheese, green onions and a few black olives.

Bake for 5-10 minutes or until cheese is melted. Cut into wedges and top with sour cream and/or salsa if desired. 

Derived from: http://www.deliciousmeliscious.com/2009/07/mexican-pizza.html