Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Trying to look for that silver lining...
Not feeling so hot today about life. Hopefully tomorrow will be better...
Sometimes I wish I were a stronger person, who voices and takes control of things as I should...I know that's really vague...but...I don't know....
Sometimes I wish I were a stronger person, who voices and takes control of things as I should...I know that's really vague...but...I don't know....
Something to talk about...
Nothing huge to report. My schedule is still crazy, but I have made efforts to make it a little lighter by dropping my Thursday work day after this week. This should give me another night to study/get homework done or just be still for a minute. I know if I make it through this semester I will have accomplished much, for me anyways, not being a great student and never having had such a difficult schedule with such hard classes. On a happy note I still have an "A" in Anatomy if you drop one of my quiz grades (which will be dropped in the end if I keep making "100's" [let's hope!]).
I love in some ways when life is busy like this. I am a person that desires to have free time...but when they get it, I don't know how to use it efficiently and I end up getting bored and depressed. So in a lot of ways, this is all really good for me. On a sad note it allows for me to avoid how much I feel about things sometimes, like Justin, or the "stuck" feeling that I get sometimes when I realize I'm stuck and can't get out or move from the area of my life I'm in. Never a good thing to completely avoid how you're feeling and often leads to melt downs, but for now...I'm going with it.
Nothing much going on with me and Justin. We're both super excited about him coming down in February for Homecoming, but still don't talk to him on the phone as much as I'd like and I still (I know, I know when I say this whoever, if anyone, maybe only Julia, reads this they will shake their head and say "tsk, tsk") sometimes have to convince myself though he tells me otherwise, that he's not just purely keeping this going the way it is to fulfill petty needs. I pray about it, about us, or someone else. I'm done with choosing for God, due to past experience and fully allowing God to choose for me. I mean I know I'm young, but I don't want to be married late in life...I'm not looking to just up and get married for the heck of it either....enough...I don't care enough to try to explain it, and the best I'm doing right now only sounds like the typical reasons. Only reason I got onto that topic would be because a friend and I were discussing people engaged and having babies tonight at dinner.
But anyway, I'm hanging in there. I have some fun things coming up in the near future if I can just hold out for a few weeks...
Until a more interesting thought comes along....
I love in some ways when life is busy like this. I am a person that desires to have free time...but when they get it, I don't know how to use it efficiently and I end up getting bored and depressed. So in a lot of ways, this is all really good for me. On a sad note it allows for me to avoid how much I feel about things sometimes, like Justin, or the "stuck" feeling that I get sometimes when I realize I'm stuck and can't get out or move from the area of my life I'm in. Never a good thing to completely avoid how you're feeling and often leads to melt downs, but for now...I'm going with it.
Nothing much going on with me and Justin. We're both super excited about him coming down in February for Homecoming, but still don't talk to him on the phone as much as I'd like and I still (I know, I know when I say this whoever, if anyone, maybe only Julia, reads this they will shake their head and say "tsk, tsk") sometimes have to convince myself though he tells me otherwise, that he's not just purely keeping this going the way it is to fulfill petty needs. I pray about it, about us, or someone else. I'm done with choosing for God, due to past experience and fully allowing God to choose for me. I mean I know I'm young, but I don't want to be married late in life...I'm not looking to just up and get married for the heck of it either....enough...I don't care enough to try to explain it, and the best I'm doing right now only sounds like the typical reasons. Only reason I got onto that topic would be because a friend and I were discussing people engaged and having babies tonight at dinner.
But anyway, I'm hanging in there. I have some fun things coming up in the near future if I can just hold out for a few weeks...
Until a more interesting thought comes along....
Monday, January 18, 2010
A whole new kind of stress...
And so I have gotten an already healthy dose of the new semester and what it holds class work wise. I read through my first chapter for Anatomy and Physiology I today and have gotten about half way through the second, and I can't believe how many huge words and processes I am having to memorize. It shouldn't surprise me really, but I just never thought that nurses would have to know all that stuff...that only doctors had to understand the chemical processes of things. I mean, I feel smarter yes, but I feel like I have such a ways to go and I can't imagine doing it all with work and such too. On a positive note, I did make a 100% on the first chapter quiz and an 84% on the second which was all about chemistry and molecular bonding of the human body. I hate that I made an 84, but the truth is I don't think I could have done much better with the complexity of the material. And so the week begins tomorrow. I start out leaving the apartment at 7:30am to get over to Pellissippi (it takes at least 30 mins. to get there) and then I'm there until 1:45pm, just giving me enough time to get to work at 3pm and working till 11pm, not getting back to the apartment again until about 11:45pm. Tuesdays and Thursdays will be very, very hard days, but I'm going to keep hope that I can keep the current work schedule as is for now, for money sake.
Things are better with Justin. I know Julia, that things are not perfect, but I can't give up on them yet, not while he has not given up on wanting me. I feel like we're kind of transitioning somewhat in defining our relationship. I'm beginning to think that if I could just go to school up in Ohio things would go much smoother for us. But I don't know how that would ever happen. I mean I think I could wait another year or two to finish nursing before being with him, but I 'm not sure if he can deal with waiting that long...we'll have to see how things pan out.
I'm concerned as it is that if I cannot convince them to let me in the program despite the fact that I will not have my grades for the second Anatomy class in before the date they want applications in, I won't be able to stare the program for another year. Perhaps in that time I could move to Ohio and work and then get into a program there? Who knows. Got a lot of praying and lifting up to God to do. Lots of worries and concerns...and no time to think about them...
Things are better with Justin. I know Julia, that things are not perfect, but I can't give up on them yet, not while he has not given up on wanting me. I feel like we're kind of transitioning somewhat in defining our relationship. I'm beginning to think that if I could just go to school up in Ohio things would go much smoother for us. But I don't know how that would ever happen. I mean I think I could wait another year or two to finish nursing before being with him, but I 'm not sure if he can deal with waiting that long...we'll have to see how things pan out.
I'm concerned as it is that if I cannot convince them to let me in the program despite the fact that I will not have my grades for the second Anatomy class in before the date they want applications in, I won't be able to stare the program for another year. Perhaps in that time I could move to Ohio and work and then get into a program there? Who knows. Got a lot of praying and lifting up to God to do. Lots of worries and concerns...and no time to think about them...
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
When it rains...it pours...
Could not think of a better title than the above to explain what I feel like right now. I should begin with the less dramatic first.
Tomorrow begins the semester. I'm ready to start my nursing classes, but I'm so terrified that I'm not going to be able to keep on top of things and that I'll be completely overwhelmed all semester going back and forth between Pellissippi and Johnson. The thing is, I know it had to go this way, but all the same, it will be the hardest semester to date in the last 4 1/2 years. I'm nervous about going to Pellissippi, not knowing anyone and not knowing where to be. It really is like starting the first day of school again, in unfamiliar territory which always freaks me out, no matter what it is. I'm so not good at new situations or people, and it will take forever to get used to. But what must be, must be and I will have to be optimistic and pray constantly for God to help me get over my anxiety.
On the more dramatic note...
More reservations about Justin. He's still not calling like he should really, and being weird again, but when we talk he just says he's been busy and that things are fine, but things are not fine because they are not what they have been and things have changed whether he is willing to admit it or not. I feel like we've had a role reversal. He was always calling and pursuing me even when I was avoiding him, and yet I feel as if that is what I am doing now. So I was chatting with him tonight on facebook and I said quote: "I know you're busy, so I don't want to talk long, but there's some stuff we need to talk about, so I'll give you a call tonight around 10 or so"...and I wait, and wait, and get no reply back. And then a few mins. later he logs off all together without any answer. And I'm pissed, because there is no use in that. Answer back like an adult.
Here's the thing, I'm getting the feeling more and more that he does not want this anymore, and hey, I'm ok with that. Yea, I'll be sad, but I'd rather know now about things then to keep getting involved and then nothing comes of it. But I want him to be a man and tell me, and not keep telling he doesn't know what he thinks about things, when his actions say different. I want him to come clean to me, because that's what I deserve. And so, hopefully after tonight, I will know a little more and will have peace, rather than go and start tomorrow, that which I'm already anxious about with more of a mess.
Gosh, ok so if anyone reads, pray for me. I want to be smart and think about things and I am praying about this, for either way that is meant to happen, but I need to have others thinking and praying too. I don't want to keep up with this if it's going to be like the last guy I dealt with, but I don't want to deal with being alone again and so these are the two worries, as well as that I'm not being patient with him, although, I feel like two months and a visit 1000 miles there and back is very much patient.
Gosh...I deserve so much better than this...
Tomorrow begins the semester. I'm ready to start my nursing classes, but I'm so terrified that I'm not going to be able to keep on top of things and that I'll be completely overwhelmed all semester going back and forth between Pellissippi and Johnson. The thing is, I know it had to go this way, but all the same, it will be the hardest semester to date in the last 4 1/2 years. I'm nervous about going to Pellissippi, not knowing anyone and not knowing where to be. It really is like starting the first day of school again, in unfamiliar territory which always freaks me out, no matter what it is. I'm so not good at new situations or people, and it will take forever to get used to. But what must be, must be and I will have to be optimistic and pray constantly for God to help me get over my anxiety.
On the more dramatic note...
More reservations about Justin. He's still not calling like he should really, and being weird again, but when we talk he just says he's been busy and that things are fine, but things are not fine because they are not what they have been and things have changed whether he is willing to admit it or not. I feel like we've had a role reversal. He was always calling and pursuing me even when I was avoiding him, and yet I feel as if that is what I am doing now. So I was chatting with him tonight on facebook and I said quote: "I know you're busy, so I don't want to talk long, but there's some stuff we need to talk about, so I'll give you a call tonight around 10 or so"...and I wait, and wait, and get no reply back. And then a few mins. later he logs off all together without any answer. And I'm pissed, because there is no use in that. Answer back like an adult.
Here's the thing, I'm getting the feeling more and more that he does not want this anymore, and hey, I'm ok with that. Yea, I'll be sad, but I'd rather know now about things then to keep getting involved and then nothing comes of it. But I want him to be a man and tell me, and not keep telling he doesn't know what he thinks about things, when his actions say different. I want him to come clean to me, because that's what I deserve. And so, hopefully after tonight, I will know a little more and will have peace, rather than go and start tomorrow, that which I'm already anxious about with more of a mess.
Gosh, ok so if anyone reads, pray for me. I want to be smart and think about things and I am praying about this, for either way that is meant to happen, but I need to have others thinking and praying too. I don't want to keep up with this if it's going to be like the last guy I dealt with, but I don't want to deal with being alone again and so these are the two worries, as well as that I'm not being patient with him, although, I feel like two months and a visit 1000 miles there and back is very much patient.
Gosh...I deserve so much better than this...
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Breathing easy again....
So Sunday I got back from Justin's and felt that things were sad and depressing. I think at that time because I knew my adventure was over and that I was leaving him were the culprits. But then I get back and by yesterday we still had not had a decent conversation about the weekend, which was supposed to give us some time together, our first since we used to be in school together. I was starting to freak out some, thinking maybe he was bothered by something that happened over the weekend and he was avoiding me, but after finally giving in and calling him last night I asked him these things and he was sorry that the communication was getting crossed like that. He's been busy all week, doing lots of stuff at work meeting wise and building something for the senior minister's sermon Sunday. He's also had some youth group issues and such, so I feel kind of foolish for letting myself get carried away, something I thought I would never do in a relationship.
Anyway, I'm breathing easy again and feel so much better about things, and even dreamed easier calmer dreams last night. Funny how so much of what we're worried or thinking about affects our sleep and dreams, and it was beginning to give me depressing, rejecting dreams.
I dread work the next two days. I shouldn't because it's not like I'm there that long, but I just want to be lazy and want to have time off, since this whole break I've going almost full speed doing something without real lazy nothing days to rest yet. Hoping this semester doesn't kill me.
Anyway, I'm breathing easy again and feel so much better about things, and even dreamed easier calmer dreams last night. Funny how so much of what we're worried or thinking about affects our sleep and dreams, and it was beginning to give me depressing, rejecting dreams.
I dread work the next two days. I shouldn't because it's not like I'm there that long, but I just want to be lazy and want to have time off, since this whole break I've going almost full speed doing something without real lazy nothing days to rest yet. Hoping this semester doesn't kill me.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
So I begin....again
I haven't blogged in a long time. I used to have Xanga before the facebook and myspace days, but quit after I realized that a blog would not give me answers to then very dawning questions...not to mention that I couldn't figure out how to use the thing the way I wanted after they did an update. So now after a friend has convinced me that I should get back into the blog scene, I do somewhat excited to have a place to express myself verbally again.
I feel as if I am beginning a time of change again, but one I'm not so nervous about as I have been in the past with other change periods. I'm starting classes to a whole new degree, which is thrilling to say the least. I never thought I would actually be involved in the medical field, although I remember being younger and thinking that really cool, smart people got lucky enough to work in medicine. I know I'm not working towards being a doctor or anything, but I think that where I am going so far will be fascinating and exciting and I think that if I have opportunities arise where I might move further into the career path I will.
At this point, I'm trying to get completely on my own feet without my parents sort of right behind me as they have been, and don't get me wrong, I'm an independent person and I don't need my parents for my every move, however, we seem to go through this back and forth motion of "apron string" pulling and I think it would do us both good if the sooner I can get finished with schooling, the sooner the strings are completely cut and I think we'll both enjoy each other even more, though we have come to a good place and good relationship terms already.
I'm ready to find love and for it to stick. I've had a few run throughs here and there and currently I'm trying to find out if I have found love or if it's just another person and another step towards that "one". We will see...as my dad constantly reminds me, though it causes hurt, every new experience brings understanding and learning and so I keep this in mind as I go...
Alrighty, well enough for now, I'm off to the bank and then to the store to pick up supplies for chicken fajitas. A friend and I are cooking together tonight and then maybe I can convince him to do something fun...hoping that means watch a movie or something just to keep us from boredom or me thinking about the guy that I'm not sure about...
I feel as if I am beginning a time of change again, but one I'm not so nervous about as I have been in the past with other change periods. I'm starting classes to a whole new degree, which is thrilling to say the least. I never thought I would actually be involved in the medical field, although I remember being younger and thinking that really cool, smart people got lucky enough to work in medicine. I know I'm not working towards being a doctor or anything, but I think that where I am going so far will be fascinating and exciting and I think that if I have opportunities arise where I might move further into the career path I will.
At this point, I'm trying to get completely on my own feet without my parents sort of right behind me as they have been, and don't get me wrong, I'm an independent person and I don't need my parents for my every move, however, we seem to go through this back and forth motion of "apron string" pulling and I think it would do us both good if the sooner I can get finished with schooling, the sooner the strings are completely cut and I think we'll both enjoy each other even more, though we have come to a good place and good relationship terms already.
I'm ready to find love and for it to stick. I've had a few run throughs here and there and currently I'm trying to find out if I have found love or if it's just another person and another step towards that "one". We will see...as my dad constantly reminds me, though it causes hurt, every new experience brings understanding and learning and so I keep this in mind as I go...
Alrighty, well enough for now, I'm off to the bank and then to the store to pick up supplies for chicken fajitas. A friend and I are cooking together tonight and then maybe I can convince him to do something fun...hoping that means watch a movie or something just to keep us from boredom or me thinking about the guy that I'm not sure about...
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