Could not think of a better title than the above to explain what I feel like right now. I should begin with the less dramatic first.
Tomorrow begins the semester. I'm ready to start my nursing classes, but I'm so terrified that I'm not going to be able to keep on top of things and that I'll be completely overwhelmed all semester going back and forth between Pellissippi and Johnson. The thing is, I know it had to go this way, but all the same, it will be the hardest semester to date in the last 4 1/2 years. I'm nervous about going to Pellissippi, not knowing anyone and not knowing where to be. It really is like starting the first day of school again, in unfamiliar territory which always freaks me out, no matter what it is. I'm so not good at new situations or people, and it will take forever to get used to. But what must be, must be and I will have to be optimistic and pray constantly for God to help me get over my anxiety.
On the more dramatic note...
More reservations about Justin. He's still not calling like he should really, and being weird again, but when we talk he just says he's been busy and that things are fine, but things are not fine because they are not what they have been and things have changed whether he is willing to admit it or not. I feel like we've had a role reversal. He was always calling and pursuing me even when I was avoiding him, and yet I feel as if that is what I am doing now. So I was chatting with him tonight on facebook and I said quote: "I know you're busy, so I don't want to talk long, but there's some stuff we need to talk about, so I'll give you a call tonight around 10 or so"...and I wait, and wait, and get no reply back. And then a few mins. later he logs off all together without any answer. And I'm pissed, because there is no use in that. Answer back like an adult.
Here's the thing, I'm getting the feeling more and more that he does not want this anymore, and hey, I'm ok with that. Yea, I'll be sad, but I'd rather know now about things then to keep getting involved and then nothing comes of it. But I want him to be a man and tell me, and not keep telling he doesn't know what he thinks about things, when his actions say different. I want him to come clean to me, because that's what I deserve. And so, hopefully after tonight, I will know a little more and will have peace, rather than go and start tomorrow, that which I'm already anxious about with more of a mess.
Gosh, ok so if anyone reads, pray for me. I want to be smart and think about things and I am praying about this, for either way that is meant to happen, but I need to have others thinking and praying too. I don't want to keep up with this if it's going to be like the last guy I dealt with, but I don't want to deal with being alone again and so these are the two worries, as well as that I'm not being patient with him, although, I feel like two months and a visit 1000 miles there and back is very much patient.
Gosh...I deserve so much better than this...
Hey, you will be fine with school - it is just another semester. :0) And I am praying for you and the whole Justin thing. I know that you want things to work out but I am praying for God's will to be done and not your will. You are only 22 years old - you are not 60 and at the end of your life with no man. Please remember that. There is an amazing guy out there who will want you for you - not for your body or what you want to offer him before you are married and who will be proud to take you around town and to church without trying to hide you. I love you very much and I don't want to see you get hurt - and as much as you think you know what you doing - you don't. I am afraid if you keep going down the path that you have set - you are going to get VERY hurt and regret things.
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