I have not posted in a very very long time, no that I have very many readers. I mainly just write on here as a cathartic way to relieve negative feelings. This time is no different.

A lot has happened the last 6 months. I'm not going into all the details now, although I should at some point as they all lead up to now. You see I did something for the first time....I fully communicated to someone, and did so in a good way. I encouraged them and lifted them up, but told them things I was thinking about, feeling, and even some personal history to help them understand why I do the things I do and in some ways the way I am. It has basically ruined a lot of the friendship, I mean we needed a bit of a break anyway, but it's definitely put huge distance between us. But I loved that person, was in love with that person, probably if I could get past the hurt and pain and anger I have now that is a result of the behavior that has come from this individual, the rejecting, ignoring, doing all the things to push the buttons they know will hurt, refusing to speak with me regarding what I told them, and generally just changing everything that was our routine, what we did on a normal basis....I'm just so so hurt. I've never cried so much, never been so angry, having thoughts of bad things happening to this person, that's not me, I don't ever usually go that far.

I know I'm promised that this will pass, this will end, but right now it just feels like the worst possible break-up in the world or something, there's no amount of chocolate, crying, movies, wine that could make this better, cause I've tried it. Even tried flirting with others as distraction. And part of the issue is I'm pretty lonely. I'm left up here in this awful apartment complex alone, rejected, no friends near, I'm so lonely, so loathing of my place and situation in life. Despairing....